Wol took a Hat-Trick in the Phoenix League!!!

 

Spruce leads the way as the emotions take over at Little Stoke

Word of Spruce's performance had quickly spread...

The Oulton First XI were on the road this week as they made the short journey to the bottom of Stone town to take on Little Stoke CC. In fact some of the lads had been on longer pub crawls than that journey!

It was to prove to be another impressive showing from the O’s as they put in a professional performance against Division three's basement side.

After winning the toss and electing to field first the travellers set about their work well with captain Dan Colclough setting the tone at the start of the innings taking figures of 4-24.

Colclough then made way for the Man of the Match Tom Spruce as the well-balanced spinner tore through the Little Stoke batting line-up with five wickets for 48 runs. It was a spell of bowling for the locals to tell their grandchildren about.

Spruce’s spell had it all drama, suspense, flight, guile, large breasts and of course wickets.

After the throngs of the disproportional spinners adoring fans had retreated back to the stands the hosts were bowled out for 130.

It is worth noting that the Spitting Cobra even joined the parade and took a wicket this week. Finally.

In response Oulton made short work of the Little Stoke posting thanks to another quintessentially brisk innings from the Church Eaton Moose (Andy Wood). The big man added to his six counter in his innings of 39.

However the game wasn’t over and after the pressure of the occasion got to Tom (Teflon) Phillips who had to retire on 16, it was left to the man of the hour Spruce to shoulder the burden with the scoreboard poised trickily on 60-0 off 7 overs.

A measured yet scintillating 25 not out from the plump left-hander sent the baying crowd into raptures again. Spruce barely made it off with his shirt and pants in one piece and was greeted at the pavilion by gorgeous women in togas throwing what appeared to be roses at his feet.

We think they were roses it was difficult for this reporter to tell through tear soaked eyes.

Rob Spruce also stuck around for 20 odd…

We later caught up with Oulton’s captain Colclough: “I am really happy for Spruce, he’s a humble kid and someone who wouldn’t want all of this attention.

“He really is one of the greatest spinners I’ve ever played with. You would think his size would hold him back but he just gets on with it you know… these are the cards he’s been dealt and I say good on him!

"Not only he is a great player, he is also a great friend." Finished the skipper holding back the emotion... just kiss!

All in all it was a good win the O’s  and one which keeps them third in the table just eight points off the second automatic promotion spot.

Two's take a whipping and so does Sparky... with less resistance

Sparky had Eadey right where he wanted him

The Oulton Second team were in action up at the Spencer Copeland Ground again this weekend as they hosted highflying Porthill Park CC.

The day started well for Jake Eade’s men as they won the toss and elected to field against the Division Seven leaders.

The hosts bowled well enough up front with Danny (the Flying Carpet) Cutler and Ian (the Thin White Duke) Stretton claiming two wickets each at the top of the Oulton attack.

However Porthill’s engine room pumped harder than Cutler the bear later that evening to take their team to 209-7 from their 50 overs.

Mark (Sparky) Bates also somehow managed to pilfer himself as couple of wickets through grit, determination and a s*&t tonne of luck.

In response the O’s never really got going… but in their defence you will struggle when you suffer four ducks in the top six.

Only captain Eade (24), Bates (16) and Luke (Ginge) Evans (19) managed to scrape their way into double figures.

This piss poor batting performance meant that in the end Oulton succumbed to 108 all out in the 40^th over.

We tried to get a word in with the skipper after the game but he looked too pre-occupied whipping himself as punishment in the showers.  

It got even worse for Eade when he turned round beaten and bloody and through the salty tears all he could see was a naked, aroused Sparky waiting to get involved with the whipping action.

Tough evening ahead…

First Team Bowlers ensure the Batters can't balls it up!

OultonFirsts V Bagnall Norton (H)

Nathan Wood looked extremely happy with his day's work, shortly before he beat a badger to death for "looking at his beard funny"

The firsts continued their impressive start to the season by making short work of promotion favourites Bagnall Norton.

The O’s were at back HQ again this week as their visitors came in fine fettle themselves losing just one of their opening five games.

The day started well for Dan Colclough’s men as he managed to put his impressive tossing skills to good use and electing to field first.

Colclough then continued off the back off his 8 wicket haul in the abandoned game against Oakamoor last time out.

The skipper looked a young illiterate half-brother of Glenn McGrath as he took figures of 7-16 from his 18 overs.

Ian “Shergar” Whalley managed to shake off a particularly vicious looking case of equine protozoal myeloencephalitis which was had been doing the rounds in the Oulton stables to take 3-15 from his six overs. Bagnall were eventually toppled for 48.

The spitting cobra was unlucky again as he had to settle for another none-fer.

If we could get close enough to him to get an interview without having to hold an umbrella I am sure he would congratulate his captain McGlough and Shergar on their performances and would reiterate that for him it’s not about taking wickets.

In response the Oulton batters offered another compelling impression of a team who’d never seen a cricket ball before as they slumped to 46-4.

However in truth the damage was done and a fine unbeaten partnership of 3 between vice captain ShuntyTown69 and Nathan “the tramp” Wood was enough to see the lads over the line.

After the throngs of adoring fans had cleared the playing field we managed to catch up with Wood following his scintillating 1 not out.

“Yeah it was a good result for the lads in the end. You know, we know we possibly haven’t caught them on their best day.

But we’ve come out with the win and I’ve managed to find a new pair of pads behind the boiler and I was also able to use my borrowed bat to beat some magpies off a squrriel carcas in a nearby field. So everyone’s a winner. Dinner and a show eh!”

What appeared to be the legs of Nathan Wood were later seen collecting half smoked fag buts out of a local Morrisons bin. What a day for the lad!

We’re happy for him.

Two's are Formidable up front

SecondXI V Betley (A)

When you win the toss and bowl first and the other side end up 266-0

 

This week saw the second XI travel to mid table Betley where they were looking to continue their early season dominance in Division Seven of the NSSCCL.

The home side won the toss and elected to field first, a decision they would instantly regret as Stuart (Space Hopper balls) Leigh and Rory (Kenwyne) Jones set about dismantling their hosts bowling attack.

It was a majestic display from Leigh and Jones which has nearly resulted in them both being called up to Roy Hodgson’s England squad, that’s how clueless that youth is! #Topical

Jones and Leigh struck hard at the top of the order bagging the pair 132 and 123 not out respectively.

This marvellous opening display quickly resulted in the O’s finishing on 266-0 from their 50 overs and captain Jake Eade helping is number three (who shall remain nameless, for reasons which will become clear) in dabbing on a healthy dose of Sudacrem for that pad rash.  Reports claimed that the skipper was extremely thorough with his application… almost too thorough.

The skipper was later quoted in regards to the thorough dabbing: “well people will say I was a little rough and maybe I can be accused of being a little too involved with my players. But I believe you can never be too thorough when it comes to groin strains.” We subsequently reminded the confused leader that he should’ve been treating his player’s shins, not his… action area.

After the nameless player had shaken off his rough dabbing the two’s took to the field to set about defending their mighty posting.

Betley though showed what a good track it was over there in Melbourne by finishing on 183-5 from their 50.

A steady 3-37 at the spearhead of the attack from Curtis (Anthony Joshua) Bates made sure that the O’s remained in control.

The match eventually ended a draw but it will be the Oulton lads who will be happier with two form batsman, a lifetime supply of Sudacrem and 13 points to take back with them to the Spencer Copeland Ground.

First Team Use Devastating Wood To Put On Impressive Show

Zico looked extremely happy with his bowling performance, but his celebrations are getting out of hand!

 

The First XI have had to wait a while to be able to open their account at home, after being called off against Wedgwood two weeks ago.

However the wait did not hinder their performance as they started back at HQ in fine fettle with a 10 wicket 20 point success against Hem Heath.

The day didn’t start well for the home side as swingball professional Andy Wood got lost on his way back home from Colombia, in doing so missed the warm up.

Hem Heath won the toss and elected to bat first and Oulton’s Wood-less warm up followed them into the game as Ben Pugh registered a hard fought 44 at the top of the visitors order.

However the Hem Heath charge didn’t last long as Ian Whalley (Zico) cantered in at 1^st change to take a healthy 6-37 from 12 overs. The colt bowled a wonderful nag-ing line and was treated to a lovely sugar cube and a bucket of grain at tea... he looks like a horse.

Captain Dan (Face Aids) Colclough and the Spitting Cobra added two wickets each to bowl out the travellers for 110.

In response a well-rested Woody and Virender Sehwag (Jon Whalley) went about putting their stamp on the game.

Woody’s style of batting (like a man who’s disturbed a wasp’s nest) worked a treat to take the game away from the Hem Heath team. The belligerent opener swung hard on his way to an impressive 75 not out from 48 balls.

Wol felt really good at the other end as he added another 33 not out to the score to take the lads home.  

We tried to grab a quick word with some of the main characters from the firsts impressive performance but unfortunately for the most part they are bat shit crazy.

So we settled for a few quiet words from the vice-captain ShuntyTown69 known to his friends as Shawn Hunt.

He had this to say about the disciplined bowling performance: “WAAAAHHHH EWIFBWIFBWSIDJCU DIWQHEDFOISFBWS  zico WJFBWSFWISEFJWEDF  bowled them ooot! MCFJW!!!!!!^*$&$&^^y*”

He later added his take on the dominant batting display from the top order: “WQS=DJKH ASIKDBWFKWSJ Woody DNCVISKBFG smashed EOEBOW SPWJKFBKRHNLFJK Wol CMNOJHO shite! JJM!!&$&^^%t&%! pissed tonate!!”

And he then had this to say on the teams chances for the rest of the campaign: “JALDWLJWEJKLW CNRIKWSB LFJTLYHJRTOGN GOORTYUIN OFJ!! Yeah sound!”

I think we can all agree he is sending a pretty forceful message to rest of the league’s promotion hopefuls. Powerful stuff.  

Eadey's Seconds Stroke It Away From Home

Eadey was busy getting some serious pre-game prep done!

 

The OCC second XI have made an impressive start to life in division seven of the NSSCCL and they managed to keep their 100% record in tact again this week as they travelled to Oakamoor.

Jake Eade’s high flyers won the toss and elected to field first. It was to be Eade’s third master stroke of the day.

The first of which happened in the bathroom of his flat as he stumbled upon the darker side of the internet.

The second of Eade’s impressive strokes happened when he decided to bring in Josh Carter from the cold (the cold in this instance being Wetherspoons cellar). And the third came shortly after he finished of his morning stroke in the club toilets, as he elected to give Carter the ball.

The big man strode in to take impressive figures of 4-34 from his 17 overs. A feat made all the more impressive when you consider that he learnt to bowl watching Rob Spruce!

Carter’s spell, aided and abetted by two wickets apiece for Todd Elder and Captain Eade, crippled the Oakamoor charge and the hosts were bowled out for 134 in the 48^th over.

The seconds made untidy work at best of their response with all but two of the useless cloth heads making it into double figures.

However (conveniently for this story) 69 fine runs from Mark 'master' Bates (a number he’s never seen before, in or out of the game) and 40 from stalwart opener Stuart Leigh took the lads home midway through the 40^th over.

Now ducks aren’t something we like to celebrate or encourage at this club, they’re unfortunate, sometimes funny but always degrading. So better luck next week Tom Parker, Richard Clegg and Rory Jones #QuackQuack.

Firsts Triumph to avoid Opening Day Balls up!

StoneSP (away)

Oulton Cricket Club’s first XI began their foray into Division three of the North Staffs South Cheshire League after suffering relegation last term even though they finished 4^th in the league… we know, it doesn’t make sense.

However they were able to start this campaign with a hard fought victory at local rivals Stone Swynnerton Park, at the Adelaide Oval. Or what seemed like the Oval as the sides took part in a game which saw over 400 runs scored.

The O’s won their first toss of the season, thanks to some more than useful tossing practice from Captain Daniel (Coke) Colclough throughout the off-season, and elected to bowl first.

If the plan was to bowl their hosts out for as little as possible and go on to win the game in consummate ease, the Oulton boys were bang on track in the early stages.

Cokey and Noel (The Spitting Cobra) Hunt ran through the Stone top order to reduce the home side to 36-5. But unfortunately for the travelling O’s that was where the plan fell to rack and ruin.

The Stone tail wagged so hard the Oulton lads nearly had a stackable case for whiplash. Wasim Kahn and Nathan Bennet added 35 and 39 respectively to take their side through to 204 all out.

The Cobra and Coke finally pulled their respective fingers out to finish with four wickets apiece. Not before Rob Spruce had weighed in with two valuable wickets of his own. Which is impressive when you consider that the only bowling he’d done for two years was down the High Street on his way to the Crown & Anchor for another ill advised bevvy!

In fact the only of the Oulton bowlers to not strike was Tom Spruce who finished with figures of 0-41 from his 13 overs. The voluptuous all-rounder later commented: “That has got to be the unluckiest hour of my life!” we would prefer to believe that maybe stamina let him down.

However, we digress. The firsts set about chasing the impressive target by unleashing their bear-stman Andrew Wood. Woody kicked off his campaign and Oulton’s response by hitting his first six of the season from the first ball of he innings.

The imposing Wood continued to swat the Stone bowling to all corners of the Oval. As he posted a swift 34 from 15 balls. This was 34 more than fellow opener Jono (Virender Sehwag) Whalley managed as he helped a particularly dicey looking thigh-high, leg side, long hop into the welcome hands of fine leg.

Virender later commented: “I don’t know what happened, I felt good out there you know. I just, I really felt good. You know when you just feel good…??” We know Jono, we know!

Oulton continued to score quickly with Joe Jager-Beeston compiling a steely 36 and Rob Spruce adding 33 runs to his impressive bowling display. But wickets were also falling at a steady rate.

Stone’s George Hawbrook and Kahn, who featured earlier with the bat, stunted the visitors chase with four wickets each.

The steady shower of wickets and runs meant that the game came down to the final over with Oulton needing four to win and their hosts needing just the one wicket.

However the O’s were able to come out of the marathon match with the spoils thanks to some cool headed batting from Colclough. Tom Phillips may have also managed to pilfer himself 31 not out at the end there… we couldn’t see through the salty tears running down the reporter’s faces.

Either way the important thing is that Oulton secured their first 20 points of the season.

Andy Wood certainly looked happy with his first knock after hibernation. We can't show what happened after this image for legal reasons. As we aren't entirely sure what he did in celebration was legal... suffice to say it involved a particularly eager salmon!

Second's Use Impressive Wood to Devistating Effect

Oulton’s second XI kick started their NSSCCL 2016 campaign with a resounding 25 point success against Stafford.

The elder statesman Guy Martin deputised for Jake Eade (who had been called up to embrace his destiny in the First XI for the day) as the O’s skipper and lead the team to a 85 run home victory on the opening weekend of the season.

The visitors won the toss and elected to field first, a decision which they almost certainly regretted immediately as Martin lead from the front with a more than useful 62 at the top of the order before clearing the stage for Nathan Woods.

Woods the premier hitter lit up the opening day with a superb 133 not out. A feat made all the more impressive by the fact that Woods’s bat is approximately 6 inches shorter than he is.

There are unconfirmed reports that the 4 foot maestro is still waving his wood around as we speak at the Spencer Copeland Ground, such was his dominance impressive display from wood. His batting’s not too shabby either!

Ben Clegg offered able support by shouting various compliments and attempts at flattery before donning the box himself and adding 24.

The O’s eventually closed on an imposing 263-5, Keiran Duggal was the only of the Stafford bowlers to make any inroads into the home side’s line up with his figures of 2-58 from nine overs.

In response the visitor’s innings stuttered with a couple of 20’s and 30’s thrown around for good measure but ultimately they were unable to salvage the draw.

Curtis (Anthony Joshua) Bates took time off from his preparations for his upcoming world title defence against Dominic Breazeale to take impressive figures of 3-38 from his 13 overs. All the best in the upcoming scrap champ!

Rory Jones also weighed in 3-42 from his 12 overs. A spell made all the more impressive by the fact that we had all forgotten he could bowl! Thinking that he had instead turned his attention to professional drinking. But in his defence is getting rather good at drinking!

Well done to the second team who have certainly hit the floor running in 2016, proven also by the swiftness with which they were able to escape the field before the hoardes of adoring fans at Oulton HQ were able to ravage them! Well done lads, keep it up!